GAZA CITY, GAZA—Following conflicting accounts of a horrific attack on a Gaza hospital, officials from the Israeli Defense Forces released a new statement Wednesday that claimed it was you, the reader of this very article, who committed the act of terror.
WASHINGTON—In an effort to address voters hurt by recent actions that resulted in her being thrown out of a theatrical performance, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) announced Friday that she would personally jerk off any constituents she offended. “In the past week, I’ve heard from many supporters who were concerned by my...
Another oldie
WASHINGTON—Following hours of meetings with lawmakers to try to shore up U.S. support for his country, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky reportedly grabbed whatever office supplies he could get his hands on in the Capitol Thursday, saying he needed them for war. “We really need a bunch of these staplers for the war...
A stunning new mathematical result has just been announced that experts say will revolutionize the field forever: Mathematicians have discovered the number eight hovering in the desert and making a humming noise....
WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the enduring appeal behind assault rifle ownership, a Pew study released Monday revealed that more Americans were buying AR-15s to defend themselves from toddlers who found their guns. “Many Americans stressed that they felt safer knowing they had an AR-15 at the ready in case their toddler...
NORFOLK, VA—In a new campaign featuring several graphic images of the animals falling from 30,000 feet in the sky, People For Ethical Treatment Of Animals released an ad Thursday that seemed to imply that throwing horses out of planes was a common practice. “How do you think he feels about your in-flight entertainment?”...
The headline is the whole joke.
WASHINGTON—Warning citizens of a rising threat to the nation’s youth, U.S. officials cautioned Tuesday that knife-wielding doctors were roaming the country in search of adolescent children they could force to be trans. “Across America, parents are watching helplessly as trained surgeons compel their sons to become...
In a story emerging from an ear, nose, and throat doctor’s office in Austin, TX, 24-year-old Dina Thompson has decided to be honest and tell her doctor that she has fewer than two drinks a week....
Everyone wants to be That Girl – cool, calm, collected without ever trying too hard to be cool, calm, or collected. But nobody is as laid-back and effortlessly cool as a bossa nova song playing in a hotel lobby on a warm summer’s day: the ultimate definition of smooth and self-assured. If you’ve ever been in an elevator or...
