Newest U.S. Aid Mission Just Single PowerBar Labeled ‘For Gaza’ Thrown Into Ocean
WASHINGTON—With more than 2 million displaced Palestinians facing the threat of famine, the U.S. Agency for International Development announced Monday it had fulfilled its pledge to provide food assistance, throwing a single PowerBar labeled “for Gaza” into the Atlantic Ocean. USAID reportedly alerted the war-torn…… #theonion https://www.theonion.com/newest-u-s-aid-mission-just-single-powerbar-labeled-f-1851540802
Study Finds Only 1 In 3 Americans Can Name Their Representative’s Corporate Donors
WASHINGTON—According to a new study from the Pew Research Center, only 1 in 3 Americans are able to name their elected representative’s corporate donors. “This is an alarming statistic that shows a profound lack of civic knowledge in this country,” said study co-author Rania Hassan, who polled 30,000 U.S. citize… #theonion https://www.theonion.com/study-finds-only-1-in-3-americans-can-name-their-repres-1851516531
Jimmy Carter Becomes Second President Convicted Of Felony For Sticking Up Waffle House
PLAINS, GA—On the heels of Donald Trump receiving guilty verdicts on 34 felony counts in New York, Jimmy Carter became the second president ever convicted of a crime Friday after a jury found he broke numerous laws while sticking up a Waffle House near his home in Georgia. “Today’s verdict shows that the rul… #theonion https://www.theonion.com/jimmy-carter-becomes-second-president-convicted-of-felo-1851512425
Columbia University Gives Students Option To Finish Classes From Prison
Emphasizing that it was their only option amid the rampant protests that had erupted on campus, Columbia University announced Monday that it had given students the option to finish classes from prison. “Given the current political turmoil and the many safety hazards it poses, all current students will be permitted to complete their semesters from the New York penitentiary system,” said Columbia University President Minouche Shafik, adding that in light of recent events, all members of the community were encouraged to attend lectures virtually from the comfort of their dark, windowless, 6-by-8-foot cell. “While we wish we could continue in-person learning, the best way to keep our university safe is to allow students, faculty, and staff to complete the last few weeks of the school from behind bars. Also, should students need, they will be permitted to accept their diplomas virtually, regardless of whether they are in the back of a police van, at Rikers Island, or in solitary confinement somewhere off the grid.” At press time, Shafik added that any student who had been beaten to death could, if need be, also complete classes from their morgue.
Ohio Begins Executing Random People In Hopes They’re Criminals
COLUMBUS, OH—In an effort to make the streets safer through arbitrary killings, the State of Ohio began executing random people Monday in the hopes they were criminals. “You have to assume at least some of the residents we are hanging and beheading are guilty of something terrible, right?” said Gov. Mike DeWine, who…Read more... #theonion https://www.theonion.com/ohio-begins-executing-random-people-in-hopes-they-re-cr-1851218315
Left-Wing Group Too Disorganized For FBI Agents To Infiltrate ( www.theonion.com )