The Onion

Children’s Fucked-Up Little Drawings in Horror Movies, Ranked ( hard-drive.net )

At the bottom of the list, we have this drawing from 1984 Christmas horror flick Silent Night, Deadly Night. Unless you are a very careful four year-old unacquainted with the concept of The Red Liquid That Nourishes, this is not a creepy drawing in the slightest, but perhaps even more importantly, it doesn’t look at all like a...

Supreme Court Expands Access To Roofies ( www.theonion.com )

WASHINGTON—In a historic ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court declared Tuesday that Americans have the right to roofies. “A sexual predator’s right to Rohypnol is an issue of personal liberty that must not be infringed upon,” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh, who grew visibly emotional during oral arguments, asserting through...

Pregnant Sex Ed Teacher Must Really Know Her Stuff ( www.theonion.com )

GLENCOE, IL—Noting that she must be some kind of genius to get such amazing results, students told reporters Friday that their pregnant sex ed teacher must really know her stuff. “I’m not saying our other sex ed teachers weren’t good, but Mrs. Collins is clearly in a league of her own to be six months pregnant,” said...

Dad Hopes New Neighbor Likes Verbal Altercations ( www.theonion.com )

BETHANY BEACH, DE—As movers unloaded a truck in front of the house next door, local dad Stan Morby, 43, expressed hoped Wednesday that his new neighbor liked verbal altercations. “Man, I really hope whoever bought that place enjoys getting into shouting matches in the front yard,” said Morby, noting how difficult it had...

Biden: ‘Israel Has An Obligation Not To Harm My Reelection Chances’ ( www.theonion.com )

WASHINGTON—Responding to fallout from the Israeli military’s killing of seven World Central Kitchen aid workers in Gaza, President Biden made an address Thursday asserting that Israel had an obligation not to harm his reelection chances....

Israel Orders Strike On Chef José Andrés’ Boyhood Home ( www.theonion.com )

MIERES, SPAIN—Claiming they had received credible reports of the Michelin-starred chef’s connections to Hamas, Israel reportedly ordered a strike on World Central Kitchen founder José Andrés’ boyhood home Thursday. “Today, the Israeli military carried out a strike on the remote Spanish town of Mieres in order to...

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