You People Made Me Give Up My Peanut Farm Before I Got To Be President ( www.theonion.com )
Eric Trump Only Potential Juror Uninformed Enough To Serve At Father’s Trial ( www.theonion.com )
Jerry Manders, 5-Year-Old Prodigy Liar, Already Hailed as Future Political Star ( tattletaletimes.com )
There’s a up-and-coming political star that is making waves on the local level, 5-year-old Jerry Manders from Chicago, Illinois, has been identified as a lying prodigy with a skill set so advanced that he is already being hailed as a future star in American politics....
Help! My Boyfriend Is 5 Years Older Than Me And Won’t Stop Making References to Early 2000s Flash Animations I Don’t Understand ( thehardtimes.net )
Children’s Fucked-Up Little Drawings in Horror Movies, Ranked ( hard-drive.net )
At the bottom of the list, we have this drawing from 1984 Christmas horror flick Silent Night, Deadly Night. Unless you are a very careful four year-old unacquainted with the concept of The Red Liquid That Nourishes, this is not a creepy drawing in the slightest, but perhaps even more importantly, it doesn’t look at all like a...
Trump Brags About Latest Cognitive Test After Crushing Kids Menu Maze ( thehardtimes.net )
Man Espousing Right-Wing Beliefs for First Time Sees Podcast Set Magically Forming Around Him ( hard-drive.net )
Gamer Simply Wants Non-Political Games, White Ethnostate ( hard-drive.net )
Brexiter annoyed by people pointing out that thing they were told ‘would happen’ is now ‘happening’ ( newsthump.com )
Medical Staff Report OJ Took One Last Instinctual Swipe at Blonde Nurse Before Passing ( thehardtimes.net )
O.J. Simpson Allowed To Remain Living After Coffin Doesn’t Fit ( www.theonion.com )
Austrian newspaper copies from German version of The Onion ( www.mimikama.org )
#Austrian newspaper oe24 takes over Postillon article...
Bring out the rule book ( lemmy.world )
Jealous Florida Senate Hurriedly Passes Bill Allowing Teachers to Pistol Whip Tardy Students ( thehardtimes.net )
‘You can’t say anything these days’ insists man saying exactly what he thinks, every single day ( newsthump.com )
Man Still Thinks Of Computer Virus As Cartoon Worm That Bites Through Screen ( www.theonion.com )
Supreme Court Expands Access To Roofies ( www.theonion.com )
WASHINGTON—In a historic ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court declared Tuesday that Americans have the right to roofies. “A sexual predator’s right to Rohypnol is an issue of personal liberty that must not be infringed upon,” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh, who grew visibly emotional during oral arguments, asserting through...
Journalist Who Dreamed of Writing from the Front Lines Willing to Settle for Summarizing SNL Skits for HuffPost ( thehardtimes.net )
Man Thinks Games Were Better When He Was Blind to Their Blatant Political Themes ( hard-drive.net )
Pregnant Sex Ed Teacher Must Really Know Her Stuff ( www.theonion.com )
GLENCOE, IL—Noting that she must be some kind of genius to get such amazing results, students told reporters Friday that their pregnant sex ed teacher must really know her stuff. “I’m not saying our other sex ed teachers weren’t good, but Mrs. Collins is clearly in a league of her own to be six months pregnant,” said...
Dad Hopes New Neighbor Likes Verbal Altercations ( www.theonion.com )
BETHANY BEACH, DE—As movers unloaded a truck in front of the house next door, local dad Stan Morby, 43, expressed hoped Wednesday that his new neighbor liked verbal altercations. “Man, I really hope whoever bought that place enjoys getting into shouting matches in the front yard,” said Morby, noting how difficult it had...
Dad at WrestleMania Spends Three Hours Commenting on Poor Table Craftsmanship ( thehardtimes.net )
Biden: ‘Israel Has An Obligation Not To Harm My Reelection Chances’ ( www.theonion.com )
WASHINGTON—Responding to fallout from the Israeli military’s killing of seven World Central Kitchen aid workers in Gaza, President Biden made an address Thursday asserting that Israel had an obligation not to harm his reelection chances....
Israel Orders Strike On Chef José Andrés’ Boyhood Home ( www.theonion.com )
MIERES, SPAIN—Claiming they had received credible reports of the Michelin-starred chef’s connections to Hamas, Israel reportedly ordered a strike on World Central Kitchen founder José Andrés’ boyhood home Thursday. “Today, the Israeli military carried out a strike on the remote Spanish town of Mieres in order to...