MostlyHarmless

MostlyHarmless , 1 day ago to random

We were taught as kids to not get in strangers' cars or meet strangers from the internet, and now we literally summon strangers from the internet and get in their cars.

MostlyHarmless , 2 days ago to random

"But what if they don't deserve that money?" is somehow only a question raised about poor people.

MostlyHarmless , 3 days ago to random

MostlyHarmless , 3 days ago to random

I’m getting stronger with age. I can now lift $100 worth of groceries with one hand.

MostlyHarmless , 5 days ago to random

MostlyHarmless , 8 days ago to random

MostlyHarmless , 30 days ago to random

All you seniors posting about how you survived lead paint, no seatbelts, no helmets etc… I’m very happy for you. Would love to hear sometime from those who didn’t, but for some reason their posts don’t show up on my feed.

MostlyHarmless , 1 month ago to random

Just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row. Guess I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.

MostlyHarmless , 1 month ago to random

These darn millennials...Walking around like they rent the place.

MostlyHarmless , 1 month ago to random

"We are experiencing higher than normal call volumes" actually means "We are experiencing normal call volumes and our management is too cheap to hire more minions.”

MostlyHarmless , 1 month ago to random

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you can, in fact, re-park your car if you didn’t get it right the first time.

MostlyHarmless , 1 month ago to random

MostlyHarmless , 1 month ago to random

Whoever wrote this headline is not paid enough.

MostlyHarmless , 1 month ago to random

My parents never allowed us to play violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a lead pipe?”

MostlyHarmless , 1 month ago to random

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I just sleep in til noon. Because I’m a problem-solver.

MostlyHarmless , 2 months ago to random

MostlyHarmless , 2 months ago to random

It says something about the society in which you live when pizza arrives at your house before the cops and paramedics do.

MostlyHarmless , 2 months ago to random

MostlyHarmless , 2 months ago to random

MostlyHarmless , 2 months ago to random

The cops and soldiers wearing the Punisher logo are exactly the people the Punisher would hunt.

MostlyHarmless , 2 months ago to random

Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges.

MostlyHarmless , 3 months ago to random

MostlyHarmless , 3 months ago to random

MostlyHarmless , 3 months ago to random

With great power comes a great electric bill.

MostlyHarmless , 3 months ago to random

Normal is getting dressed in clothes you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car you’re still paying for to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.

MostlyHarmless , 3 months ago to random

Rage Against the Machine never specified what kind of machine they were angry with, but I reckon it was probably an inkjet printer.

MostlyHarmless , 3 months ago to random

"What Orwell failed to predict is that we'd buy the cameras ourselves, and that our biggest fear would be that nobody was watching." - Keith Lowell Jensen

MostlyHarmless , 3 months ago to random

MostlyHarmless , 3 months ago to random

Do not seize the day. This will startle the day and may cause it to become aggressive and give you a nasty bite.
Instead approach the day calmly without making eye contact, pet it gently, and slowly enfold it in a careful embrace
If the day shows any signs of resistance to being engaged with, it is likely to turn on you. Back off and return to bed.

MostlyHarmless , 3 months ago to random

When I was a kid I had to use the Oxford dictionary to understand adult words. Now I'm an adult and have to use Urban Dictionary to understand what the kids are saying.

MostlyHarmless , 3 months ago to random

One day Bruce Wayne learned that his great great great great great great grandmother encountered a vigilante who called himself "The Man of Bats”.
It was his Nana's Nana's Nana's Nana's Batman.

MostlyHarmless , 4 months ago to random

The cops came to my house this morning claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I told those idiots my dog doesn’t have a bike.

MostlyHarmless , 4 months ago to random

There should be a millennial edition of Monopoly where you just walk round the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.

MostlyHarmless , 4 months ago to random

Before social media people never knew there were so many dumb people out there. They just thought it was that one guy in the coffee shop.

MostlyHarmless , 4 months ago to random

It's really cold out there folks. If you're heading to Walmart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.

MostlyHarmless , 4 months ago to random

I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.

MostlyHarmless , 4 months ago to random

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

MostlyHarmless , 4 months ago to random

Can’t stop wondering about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error. “This one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one traps you in the Mirror Dimension for a week.”

MostlyHarmless , 4 months ago to random

Was once confronted by Dwayne Johnson in front of a Hallmark store. There I was, caught between The Rock and a card place.

MostlyHarmless , 4 months ago to random

MostlyHarmless , 4 months ago to random

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the whole country.

MostlyHarmless , 4 months ago to random

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

MostlyHarmless , 5 months ago to random