My girlfriend acts differently around her family, can anyone else relate?

I go with my gf to her grandmas lake house every year, and while its relaxing and fun, I absolutely notice a change in her demeanor, I find I have to walk on eggshells around her and every other thing I say or do seems to be wrong and warrants nagging. I have confronted her about this but she seems to deny any change in behaviour is happening and just retorts with "well I told you xxx!"

Obviously her family is stressing her out but it kills me that she won't acknowledge that, especially since I'm such a straightforward person who likes to discuss what's going on. And that shes such a family girl on top of that. I'm planning on marrying her but i m just not sure how to discuss this particular point of contention with her first, because it's one of the few things she'll get actually defensive about

yokonzo OP ,

Update, so we talked, she admitted she had been acting rather tersely, apparently she and her whole family is because her grandma seems to be getting more and more delusional each year and its putting strain on everyone, I told her I understand I just wanted some transparency.

She took it pretty well but to be expected there was some mopiness after the fact because she felt so bad, after cheering her up with daily dose of internet videos in the tent were back and ready to face things again

AnarchistArtificer ,

Thanks for the update, OP.

Kolanaki ,
@Kolanaki@yiffit.net avatar

Doesn't everyone? 🤔

Most people have 3 personalities. The one they show in public, the one they show with family and close friends, and the one they have when entirely alone.

shyguyblue ,

I am this comment...

willya ,
@willya@lemmyf.uk avatar

And that’s why we’re doomed. No one acts like their real selves til they’re alone.

lurch ,

i suggest you get her permission to record some video or audio of your stay, so you can later show her in private what you found weird. afterwards, when she returned to normal and a situation comes up in which she behaves differently, you can point that out and refer to the recording for comparison, so it's undeniable and you both can find out what made her behave differently.

be aware that there may be something at work, which nobody will ever fully understand, e.g. pheromones.

yokonzo OP ,

To be fair I think I explained that poorly, its not like she will never admit wrong, I just think that since I'm so forward I sometimes catch her off guard and she can't help but be defensive in the moment

southsamurai ,
@southsamurai@sh.itjust.works avatar

Man, everyone acts different around family than others, so I can definitely relate. It isn't the same thing for sure, my wife does the opposite and leans on me more when her family is around. But she's stressed by them, and it changes her behavior patterns.

My kid isn't my biological kid, and when there are forced interactions with the biological father's side of the family, behaviors change drastically. Enough so that when they occur, we book therapy sessions for before and after.

I'm different around my family than my friends, or my partner, though not as significantly because I'm older and more centered within myself, so it's more about minor shifts in word choices and body language, and I have really solid relationships with my relatives.

So you, and she, have to first be able to recognize that it's a simple, human thing to shift into the behaviors of a given "culture" as you move between them, and that both parties have to learn to acknowledge each other's boundaries regarding that.

It may help to stop thinking there needs to be a confrontation. While not everyone uses the word the same, it does tend to occur when a similar kind of thinking is in use. The idea that you have to have a specific event where you present a difficulty and work towards a solution isn't really necessary. One can address difficulties casually, and it often gives better results.

And, there's also the need to gently establish and reinforce boundaries in a situation appropriate way.

Here's what I would try next. When there's a bout of "nagging", you can just very gently and quietly say "I don't appreciate this behavior, and I do not accept it." Obviously, doing this around her family isn't a good idea unless you've tried all other avenues.

You stay calm. If you can't stay calm, you walk away with a promise to come back to the subject later.

If she can't stay calm, you are allowed to walk away and state that you do not accept the behavior, but you'll gladly discuss it later. Or, if you can stay calm, reassure her that you understand family can require shifts in behavior, that you love her, and encourage her to continue in a respectful way.

I promise you, it is vital that two adults contemplating merging their lives legally and socially via marriage have to build the ability to communicate. You have to have a mutually acceptable, mutually understood framework for resolving differences in a healthy way. Even during crises, hell, especially during crises, the ability to resolve a dispute in the moment, that's something that can save marriages, or save lives in extremis.

You don't have to make her explain anything, or discuss anything, about her family and why hey behavior changes. You don't even have to ask, though offering to listen is an important thing. What is necessary for both of you is to be able to establish good boundaries of behavior towards each other. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for a stressed partner is say "no" to reacting to their stress with stress of your own.

A good boundary will help her because she will know that you're sticking with her, that you see the stress, but won't participate in unhealthy behaviors. It can help someone learn to overcome that stress and deal with it better for themselves.

I've had to do that myself a few times over the years. My wife isn't prone to unhealthy behavior towards me, but she does sometimes slip into unhealthy behavior towards herself. I won't give details because it isn't my story to share, and it isn't anything that would help anyone else, beyond saying that it isn't anything horrible, and isn't anything to worry about.

But I do have exes. And one of those exes is an ex for the same reason you're presenting. Family history made her want everything to her idea of perfect, which led her to nitpick things. I drew very clear boundaries, including that I wouldn't be changing myself to please her family, and enforced them as needed. Alas, it needed doing often enough to become a problem, and I actually broke up with her for our mutual health. It was not a pleasant breakup, and I'm usually quite friendly with exes.

Now, obviously, this is based only on your side of the story, and assumes that anything needed to know is present in your post. For all I know, she's telling you to stop wiping boogers on your pants, and you should obey. But learning how to set boundaries, keep them, and handle disagreements calmly and casually as they occur is always good advice, and those are skills, you have to work at them. I didn't pop out of the womb all calm and able to think during emotional events, nobody does. So the sooner a person starts practicing, the sooner they gain the benefits.

yokonzo OP ,

Yes thank you, I like to think I've been pretty calm but I don't like having difficult conversations in front of her family, but it was a little hard to get a moment alone. Eventually we both broke off to go sit on a bench and talk about it together

southsamurai ,
@southsamurai@sh.itjust.works avatar

I'm glad y'all got it resolved, or at least moved things forward :)

CarbonatedPastaSauce ,

Couples counseling my dude. There is probably way more shit there to unpack than you are qualified to handle. A good therapist will be incredibly helpful in many ways, but especially because they are a neutral party. They can bring things up or make suggestions that you can’t, at least without being resented.

It’s worth the money. And it’s easier and faster if you do it BEFORE it becomes a huge issue.

partial_accumen ,

It’s worth the money. And it’s easier and faster if you do it BEFORE it becomes a huge issue.

I'll even underscore that this is worth it even if you aren't having problems yet. You can learn about each other from a professional that has no horse in the race. You can learn the tools of communication to avoid all kinds of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. There's no reason to be self conscious or embarrassed. None of us are issued an instruction manual on relationships. Why NOT hire a professional to get understanding in place?

shyguyblue ,

I wish my ex husband and i had done couples counseling. I sabotaged that relationship because i just didn't have the words to tell him how i needed to act a certain way in front of my very MAGA parents. He also had to pressure me into going to Thanksgiving and Christmas, and just couldn't understand why.

Manifish_Destiny ,

My wife does the same thing.
We've been married for 10 years and over time I learned that her family is fairly emotionally abusive and it was more of a coping mechanism.
Still happens, but we rarely deal with that part of her family now.

lettruthout ,

For me this would be a red flag. I agree with other comments that it's worth an attempt to work something out, but I'd be watching how a potential life-long mate acts around others too. There's a saying: "How she treats the waiter is how she'll treat you in a few years."

yokonzo OP ,

Yeah idk if you read the "I plan to marry her" part.

Keep your 'get out while you can' attitude out of here, this isnt reddit

lettruthout ,

Actually I did notice that part. I'm sorry if my warning hit a nerve. Sometimes it's good to re-evaluate plans, even when it's painful.

StoneGender ,

Try talking to her about it, when you two aren't going to be or have not been around her family recently. And start the conversation on the topic of how its affecting her, not you. Express concern for her, bring up how it seems from your point of view. That she feels the need to change who she is when she is around her family and your worried about how its affecting her mental and doesn't seem like a healthy relationship with her family. And be open to her response. Be prepared for this to take awhile cause it all likelihood this is a lifelong thing for her. And while your at it examine how you might change around family and how well you hold your boundaries with them. Then tell her about your conclusions. This can be an opportunity to grow as people together.

dditty ,
@dditty@lemm.ee avatar

Family stuff like this is often tricky. If you're going to start a conversation about it, I would frame it as you want to put your best foot forward and come across the way she wants you to, and that you're looking for clarification on how to best do that. I would write down a few specific examples in advance that you can point to while unpacking them together so you can avoid generalizations which would just derail the conversation and start a fight.

Stay far away from the word nagging lol 😂

Good luck! 🤞

yokonzo OP ,

Yeah you make a point, ill frame this as "I really am not sure how you want me to act around your family"

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