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Americans Explain How They Would End The Israel-Hamas War ( www.theonion.com )

“Here’s how to end this once and for all: For the Palestinians, you confine them into two separate territories under duress, and for the Israelis, you give them an unlimited supply of weapons and funds. A positive outcome for both sides should come in a matter of days.”

When You're Feeling Low, Just Remember I'll Be Dead In About 15 Or 20 Years ( www.theonion.com )

My friends, everybody has their down days, and during these long winter months it is especially easy to succumb to the doldrums and find yourself in a bit of a funk. But not to fear! I have a simple tip that’s guaranteed to pick you up and get you back in good spirits in no time, and here it is: Whenever you’re…

Report: Pokémon League Suppressed Concussion Research ( hard-drive.net )

INDIGO PLATEAU — An independent investigation has confirmed that high-level administrators at the Pokémon League conspired to suppress research that showed Pokémon battling could lead to long-term neurological trauma....

Kamala Harris Stands At Border Punching Empty Palm With Fist ( www.theonion.com )

Whole Foods Closes 6 More Stores After Customer Tries Blueberry Without Paying For It ( www.theonion.com )

Family Unaware Dad’s Fallout Bunker Only Has Enough Supplies For One Survivor ( www.theonion.com )

Jordan Peterson Rants About Emasculated Scarecrows Covered In Birds ( www.theonion.com )

New PETA Ad Seems To Imply That Throwing Horses Out Of Planes Common Practice ( www.theonion.com )

NORFOLK, VA—In a new campaign featuring several graphic images of the animals falling from 30,000 feet in the sky, People For Ethical Treatment Of Animals released an ad Thursday that seemed to imply that throwing horses out of planes was a common practice. “How do you think he feels about your in-flight entertainment?”...