18+ I Ask thee a question and hope for peace

I am a nobody who was stolen from there parents. I've spent my life in constant pain and have always been abused. In many ways I Have struggled to stay strong in life and have grown so wise in doing so. Being raised in a place of faith, and under the age of 7 as a young child I questioned such intentions upon me and already starting to question such notions. "Is God real?" "Why does this happen to me? Why would God let this happen to me?" I asked my self that day in and day out and in time I released, There was no God..I Had been drugged into complacency and locked away from society. "You'll never amount to anything." "Do what I say even if it hurts you." "There's no point trying" I heard my entire life day in and day out. "Look what I can do." "Look what I did today" I would say every day and so young hoping to somehow please the people I was with. Encouragement,a good job, appreciation, acceptance, and a smile, we're things I longed for as a child. When I got none I just wanted to be aglnknowaged so I acted out. It was an emotion from them and agknowalgemt right?.... leaving high-school I had thrown away all hobbys, all passions, all interests and my future still hoping to oneday hear the words "I hear you," "Good job," "You go do that". I was riddled with health issues, deformities, and constant pain, over those years I had taken so much drugs I had become phycologicly dependent on these people, realty bluurd from truth yet I Somehow manged to widdle off such drugs and thus the wool was pulled out. I suddenly....remembered......I saw how I lived, piles of trash, rot, and life threating code violations. I saw how I was being treated in such honorable ways. I Saw my deformitys, medical issues, and scars. Such reality was such a shock I tried to reject it. "This can't be ture" "They wouldn't do this" "It's not true right" as my memory's came back to me my questions changed. "Why would they do this?" I would ask over and over. Five months I lay in utter depression, Five months I would despise in disgust of such creatures who could be capable of such evil, and five months I would spend meditating before I could truly live again. I had no friends, no family, no love, no support, not even from the government, and then I had no job. I would spend every day jumping from appointment to appointment fixing the medical issues I had and still do. I would spend every hour filling form for employment. I would spend all day fighting to fix my disfiguration and Unpleasant appearance with intense physical workouts and tons of products. I Managed to obtained a scholarship where my start date somehow always seemed to continously delay. I did all this through the pain and abuse I had to go through all on my own. Government office, after government office, after government office I went, fighting for my freedom, my privacy, and my legal rights as a person, fighting off accusations, incorrect statements, biased notions, false informations and lables that had hid in my shadow for years leaching off my credibility. And then finally I lost hope in my future. I lost everything I had. No phone, no emails, no computer, no accounts at all, no I'd, no birth certificate, no bank cards. All was destroyed and locked away by an online cyber attack. Every thing I could do, could be everything I was came to a halt. No access to the internet ment I couldn't keep looking for work, no Identification ment I couldn't fix my bank or use publicservices, And no phone ment I couldn't call for any support I cound never find. I see other's with family's and I get sad, I see others who are loved and know of things such as friendship, companionship, and happiness and I get sad. I see many who live lives of comfort, safey, and peace, and I get sad. I see the freedom other's have that don't and I yet again get sad. I live in a constant state of pain and sadness. At times when my breath draws close to death I feel happy, I feel free, releaved and know peace is so close. No peace, no love, no freedom, no friends, no support, no privacy, no safety, no family, no job, no money, no entrainment, no happiness, no home, no food, no future, no identity, no life, and in pain. How do I die painlessly and without surfing?