fesshole Bot

fesshole Bot , 1 day ago to random

Live next to a popular dog walking spot. Keep getting random people putting their dog poo bags in my wheelie bin. Put one of those halloween props in there that jumps at you when you open the lid. 1 guy didn't see the funny side & banged on my door for 10 mins. Didnt answer.

fesshole Bot , 1 day ago to random

Retired vet. Whenever someone brought in a perfectly healthy animal to be put to sleep, I always encouraged it to be done privately in their absence. If they agreed, I secretly sent the animal to some friends who run a rehoming centre. Still charged for the "euthanasia".

fesshole Bot , 3 days ago to random

There is a heavy machinery manufacturer that uses the same warning tone on all their products since the 90s. The sound is an edit of a hungover Otto from The Simpsons. My dad used my VHS tape and sampled it for the machine he was designing and it has been used ever since.

fesshole Bot , 4 days ago to random

I'm a doctor. If I ask you to "breathe through your mouth" whilst I'm listening to your lungs with my stethoscope it's because you won't shut up and stop talking whilst I'm trying to listen to your chest.

fesshole Bot , 8 days ago to random

My work canteen has this amazing old Jamaican lady working there who fills our plates to bursting point. The bosses tried to get rid of her for "costing them too much" but we all stopped work until they changed their minds and kept her on. We love you Betty you legend.

fesshole Bot , 8 days ago to random

I've been wheelchair bound since 2018. I am so fucking tired of having my path completely blocked by arseholes parking their cars on the pavement, I now carry a small Swiss Army Knife with one of those metal punch attachements. 33 tyres ruined and counting. Cunts.

fesshole Bot , 8 days ago to random

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it's because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That's not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

fesshole Bot , 11 days ago to random

I'm a hobby lock picker and some friends of mine booked an escape room where we had to find number combinations for padlocks. It was fastest wins so i just picked the locks, about 15 seconds each, now I'm trying to explain myself to my friends without sounding like a thief.

fesshole Bot , 11 days ago to random

At Uni, I got apocalyptically drunk and the bouncer wouldn't let me in. He knew I was studying Engineering so I said if I could recite Pi to 20 decimal places would he let me in and he agreed. Mates and him were really impressed when I did, truth is I made it up past 3.14

fesshole Bot , 13 days ago to random

Watched one of our directors talk absolute drivel, but said it with such confidence and conviction that everyone bought into it. Decided to start doing the same, which lead to 2 promotions in 18 months. The job i have now i have no idea what i'm doing. But the pay is great.

fesshole Bot , 15 days ago to random

Daughter and I used to talk in a made up alien language when she was little. She grew out of it and it crushed me. I picked her up after she'd been on a night out. She started doing it again while drunk and we sat for an hour in the car and it is the happiest I've felt in years.

fesshole Bot , 18 days ago to random

Job interview with a written task - given a laptop to write a proposal. Proposals by other interviewees were in recent files - took the best bits, added some of my own, got brilliant feedback & offered job. Turned it down, not working for idiots who can't protect stuff like that.

fesshole Bot , 19 days ago to random

When a random number calls, I answer but don't confirm my name. I ask who's calling and proceed to 'transfer you through to his office.' Then mute call and put phone on table. Longest was 1:55 before the hung up. Still can't get to 2 mins.

fesshole Bot , 25 days ago to random

My husband is having an affair but on the other hand he's lost weight, started gym-going, got a haircut, dresses better and is out the house more AND she's taught him where the clitoris is. Thanks Hannah.

fesshole Bot , 26 days ago to random

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

fesshole Bot , 26 days ago to random

Moved into a house that has a rat living in the sub-floor. Bought rat poison but had second thoughts. He had lived there longer than me so what right do I have to kill him? Anyway, he managed to crawl up into the cupboard & chew through the bag eating the poison. Problem solved.

fesshole Bot , 26 days ago to random

I often work as part of a fairly well know hacking group. I only own one hoodie and it's black. I only wear it during our video chats. The rest of the time I prefer polo shirts but I could never let my fellow hackers know that.

fesshole Bot , 26 days ago to random

I work in HR. An update for user's systems came out that'd make it possible to track whether they're in the office or not. We all quietly agreed to not report the feature existed so that it couldn't be used to monitor whether people came to the office.

fesshole Bot , 28 days ago to random

In the face of overwhelming evidence, I've reluctantly come to the conclusion that capitalism is now causing way more problems than it's solving. I'm a director of a large multinational.

fesshole Bot , 29 days ago to random

Never lied to my kids and never expected I ever would, until the other day. Daughter, 11, brought up climate change and asked, "they are doing something to stop it though, aren't they?" "Yes", I said, "they are doing something to stop it."

fesshole Bot , 30 days ago to random

I loved school but one boy in my class was obviously experiencing neglect at home & always in trouble. Not a bad kid just always up to something wrong. Anyway he broke something in science, I saw the fear on his face, so I took the blame. He just msgd on FB to thank me. 32yrs on

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to random

Since I was a kid, I smell my own poo. A month ago, noticed an off smell. It hadn't changed, so went to the doctor but couldn't say my poo smells strange; just felt "off". After tests, I have early stage colon cancer, very treatable. Can't tell anyone how I caught it so early.

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to random

Got home to find nobody in. But found my daughter's hamster dead in his cage. Quickly looked for a lookalike & replaced it before she got home. She screamed from her bedroom that he had come back to life. Turns out they went to the art store to buy stuff to build him a coffin.

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to random

Son built a trap out of Lego to catch the tooth fairy. I thought it would be a funny idea to wait until he was asleep & make some tomato ketchup blood splatters & bloody footprints around the trap. According to my wife who has been comforting him all day, it wasn't a good idea.

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to random

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to random

Took wrongly delivered letter to building site next door, got told, as I walked on site, to "fuck off". Mail went in bin. Letter was outlining issues with planning. Houses got built anyway, then had to be taken down and rebuilt costing 10x1000s. Moral = Be Nice

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to random

FROM ADMIN: Oooh 4k, Fesshole on Mastodon is quietly our favourite version coz Threads is a pain in the arse coz we're not allowed to use the API yet, BlueSky is a bit tumbleweed and Mastodon, although the numbers are modest, is actually rather chatty. Do tell your friends to follow @fesshole here, we mean, share this ok? Get the word out. THANKS.

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to random

My daughter was two when I was diagnosed with cancer. I bought and wrote cards for every birthday and major life event, including retirement. They're somewhere she'll find them when I'm gone. Being here to give her those cards myself each year feels like winning the lottery.

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to random

While working, I like to listen to mundane voice recordings of old NASA missions. Makes me feel like I'm working on an important space mission rather than marketing.

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to random

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to random

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to random

Adopted a "failed" police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to random

I teach French at a university. I only started to learn how to speak French as a teen because I wanted to understand what my favourite porn actress was saying. One thing led to another, and now here I am. Follow your passion, kids.

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to random

When I put the keys in the front door, I always duck just in case there is a sniper taking the shot so that they miss. Sometimes I drop them on purpose for the same reason. I am a 65 year old pastor

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to random

To the bloke who left his dog's massive shit right beside the local kids playground, don't stress. I picked it up for you. Also followed you discreetly back to your place. If you're looking for your dog shit, it's in your letterbox. Kept my plastic bag though.

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to random

After I lost my Mum I struggled emotionally for a long time. My manager at work noticed, and told me that I needed to do something to 'get over it'. I was outraged, so I lied and told her I was going to counselling and took every other Tuesday afternoon off for 8 months.

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to random

When I was a young boy I shat myself quite spectacularly in the middle of assembly. Went back to my old village last night; as I walked in the pub a bloke shouted out 'oi Shitter!'. I'm 63 and haven't been there for over 45 years.

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to random

Found a lump, got it checked, it was the dreaded Big C, had my testicle removed, I feel like half a man, but I get to see my girls grow up. Get your self checked guys.

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to random

My wife says I'm "condescending", but she pronounces it "condense-sending". I can't correct her because that would be condescending, you see. It's killing me.

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to random

My husband wears a hat I hate. So I took it to a different city and threw it in the bin.

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to random

So my dog passed away 5years ago and she always had subscription food, on a recurring card payment, I didn't cancel the payment because I couldn't bear to admit after 16yrs she'd gone, so I donate the food to the local dog charity with a note every month for the doggy's

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to random

My boyfriends been cheating, so I joined a dating site found it on there and been catfishing him. He's due to meet the other me in a bar in 10 mins blissfully unaware I'm there with a suitcase of his clothes whilst my dad's changing our locks.

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to random

I'm a postal worker. When we find a parcel that is damaged we are supposed to bag it and send it on its way. One day there was a damaged one that I picked up and a string of Nazi flag bunting fell out. It went straight in the bin. I regret absolutely nothing.

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to random

Once had a huge poo which made my eyes water. Came out of bathroom and boyfriend thought I'd been crying. He spent entire day spoiling me.

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to random

I always brush my teeth to "Too Much Too Young" by The Specials. Almost exactly two minutes and it ends with cheering which I like to imagine is a congratulations for my good oral hygiene.

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to random

Created graphics for a large food & drink company. It was used in their adis all over TV & the internet. But they never paid me. After 6 months of waiting to be paid, I very briefly redirected the QR code in the ads to a gay porn site. They paid me 5 minutes later, plus late fees

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to random

My Daughter is mute, but signs, people assume she's deaf, so the talk about personal things in front of her, we get all the gossip from her later.

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to random

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it's clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.