The Monkey's Paw

bamfic , in I wish I could freeze and unfreeze time at will and explore this time-frozen world with my bestie

This is what meditation does, and some drugs

EmoDuck , in I wish I could freeze and unfreeze time at will and explore this time-frozen world with my bestie

Granted.

Time is frozen. And so is the air around you. You can't move.

Earth's rotation is also frozen. What isn't frozen are you and your bestie, who are now suddenly moving at hundreds of mph relative to everything around you.

But since the air around you doesn't move, you are instantly turned into a fine red paste, held in place by the unmoving air, resembling your form for the rest of untime

Etterra , in I wish I could freeze and unfreeze time at will and explore this time-frozen world with my bestie

You've spent 3 wishes: want to be able to freeze time, want to be able to unfreeze time, and one to travel the world with your bestie. Unfortunately you're not specify The ability for you or those that you chose to act during periods in which time is frozen, therefore you are able to freeze time, and would be able to unfreeze time except that you're stuck functioning in time, and when you stop time your brain doesn't capable of functioning and therefore is incapable of restarting time. Which means the second you activate your first power, neither of the next two wishes will be usable. Ever.

Death_Equity , in I wish I could freeze and unfreeze time at will and explore this time-frozen world with my bestie

You can freeze time and explore with your bestie, but your bestie experiences time normally. You attempt to weekend at Burnie's them about, but because you are actually moving at such an incredible speed, they are ripped apart in a nuclear explosion as they are accelerated to light speed and their atoms split. The resulting nuclear detonation kills yourself and leaves a crater 50 miles wide.

nezbyte , in I wish I could freeze and unfreeze time at will and explore this time-frozen world with my bestie

You can explore the time-frozen world with your bestie, but your bestie becomes frozen when you unfreeze time.

rodbiren , in I wish I could freeze and unfreeze time at will and explore this time-frozen world with my bestie

You can freeze time and move unhindered by the effects of the freeze, but physics still behaves normally meaning your movements cause incredible friction in the air and a sonic boom across any path you take.

lurch ,

you can't even breathe properly, because the air you exhale compresses in front of you. to breathe fresh air, you have to walk while breathing in. everything seems dark, because the light is frozen too. you begin to feel incredibly hot, because your body barely loses heat to the surroundings any more.

cynar ,

Interestingly, light can't be frozen, it's speed is constant for all observers. Instead it gets redshifted. The end result is effectively the same, since it ends up out of the visible spectrum.

lurch ,

if you jump, you'll be stuck in the air until time unfreezes

rtxn ,

In addition, the Earth's sudden stop means that OP's relative velocity is around 220 km/s because of the solar system's orbit around the galactic center. If OP is on the prograde side, they are launched through the air and evaporate before they have a chance to die in the cold of space. If OP is on the retrograde side, they immediately splatter against the planet with a kinetic energy of about 1.5 terajoules (assuming a body mass of 60 kg).

MossyFeathers ,

Actually, there wouldn't be a sonic boom. Because time is frozen, even the smallest movement OP takes would accelerate them beyond the speed of light (OP has to move infinitely fast to overcome the infinitely slow passing of time). The result is that OP risks ending the world if they freeze time.

Hupf ,
MossyFeathers ,

Ye, I've read that page. That's one of my favorite xkcd "what-ifs".

Hupf ,

Recently he also started making some video narrations

best_username_ever , in I wish for Linux to have a respectable marketshare of 20%

Granted. 80% of the servers now use Windows, and you broke the internet.

key , in I wish that every website that works only in Chrome also has to be compatible with Firefox.

Granted. Mozilla announces they're retiring Gecko and moving Firefox to use Chromium under the hood, ensuring maximum web compatibility!

Veraxus , in I wish that every website that works only in Chrome also has to be compatible with Firefox.

Chromium is the new Internet Exploder.

apotheotic , in I wish my body to be in peak human shape no matter what I do
@apotheotic@beehaw.org avatar

The monkeys paw curls.

An invisible force prevents you from doing anything that would be even remotely detrimental to your health.

You are puppeteered through your every day, losing all agency in your life choices as your invisible guide takes you through a 24/7 balanced and healthy training and diet regimen. Your physical health skyrockets as your mental health nosedives.

You dread waking up but as soon as you've had precisely the right amount of sleep you are jolted awake with a prod, immediately sitting bolt upright to resume your routine, prisoner to your own gorgeous shell.

You begin to look forward to the bland meals, because at least they're a break from the puppeteering. Well, as long as you wilfully eat.

Draegur , in I wish my body to be in peak human shape no matter what I do

Granted.

Your body is now an inanimate statue shaped like a Tibetan (a "peak" human.)

hperrin , in I wish my body to be in peak human shape no matter what I do

Granted. Peak human shape was achieved only in Homo Erectus. Enjoy your new body.

zero_spelled_with_an_ecks , in I wish my body to be in peak human shape no matter what I do

Granted. You never age. You watch all your friends and family get injured, become sick, die. You tire of losing people eventually and become a hermit. Your physical health is no substitute for human companionship, though, and you start to lose your grip on reality. You never grasp it again. All the money you've built up through simple compound interest ensures that you do receive care, but your doctors notice that no matter how hard you slam your head into the wall, how many drugs you are given, how little you move for weeks on end, you remain in peak physical condition. They begin to study your physiology. Passive at first, they start to take it further and further. They never discover the font of your health, but they never stop trying, never stop the cutting, slicing off bits of you to put on the microscope slides, never stop the needles to suck out your fluids and put them into the centrifuge. That your mind had gone before they started the years and years of study is a mercy to them; they don't see you as human. They couldn't do what they do to you to a human, after all.

DeprecatedCompatV2 , in I wish my dog could walk himself.

Granted, your dog leaves home and becomes a local celebrity for walking himself. He shares none of the fame and fortune with you, yet you're still on the hook for his housing and food expenses anyway.

paddirn , in I wish my body to be in peak human shape no matter what I do

Done. The next day you’re hit by a bus. At your funeral, many people remark that you look extremely fit, despite being a corpse.

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