AWS: you will pay. also, shit works. also, you get customer service.
Azure: you're running Windows, you hate yourself, probably both
Google: you have transcended beyond such earthly requirements as "customer service" or "functions that don't get deprecated in three years"
Hetzner: you run a herd of carefully groomed pets and not cattle
OVH: wot is dis "uptime" ov which u speek
Oracle: lol
Some Guy LLC: I would rather sign up with Oracle